remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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