Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
