walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
