1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
