soooo we both peed the bed last night...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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