dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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