Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
