who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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