I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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