If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
