Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
