today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
