The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
