...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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