Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
