dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
