You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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