I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
