When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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