I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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