I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
