Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
