I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
