Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
