so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
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