I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
