More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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