Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
