saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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