I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
