I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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