hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im drinking this country out of the recession.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
