I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
