when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
