I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
