I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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