well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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