gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
