If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
