I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
