woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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