Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
