Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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