Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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