There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
