Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
