whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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