Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
