Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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