can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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