He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Randomize
